My Shengxiao is Chicken

I have failed. As I am writing these words, I am doing something that I would not be doing had things gone the right way. (There is a grammar mistake here somewhere, I am sure.) Right now, 100 meters away, in a small lecture hall of enthusiastic people, is where I should be. I should be sitting there, getting lost in the colloquium titled ‘Two dimensional dimers beyond planarity’. But I am not. I am sitting here, typing away on my laptop.

Fifty minutes ago, I walked past the lecture hall, glancing inside. The barely contained fear erupted, constricting my breath. I ran away. Not five minutes later, I tasted regret. But the talk had already started, I couldn’t go in now! So I told myself. Forty minutes later, here I am, regretting my decision not to go in, even if I was late. What a failure. I would not let this happen twice, right? Right???

Unfortunately, it is not the first time this had happened. Just last month, I noticed that there was going to be a colloquium titled ‘Forty years of quantum topology’. I was interested. As you might have suspected, cold fear gripped me. What you probably did not expect, is that I quit the day before. Well I guess I improved somewhat then. At least I went in front of the door instead of just chickening out more than 24 hours before. Heh, I always see the silver lining, don’t I?

To use politically incorrect terms, what a pussy! What was I scared of? I am not entirely sure. I am now very sure that I am a socially anxious person. This is not going to work out. My sentences use no connectives. I cannot do this. The fear, the sheer fear of seeing someone I know there, is probably the main factor. Yet why, why on earth would I be afraid? I don’t know. The other problem is that attending the talk feel like wearing grown-up clothes as a child. I guess the real reason I am afraid of these things, is that I am a person who laughes at others’ failures myself. I don’t like this, but I am and I don’t know how to change.

The worst part about all of this is that I basically lied to a professor who was very kind to me. My words suggested that ignorance of the quantum topology colloquium is why I did not attend (although I did believe that I couldn’t understand anything anyway).

Screw it! The next time there is a talk that I am interested in, I am going. I will give proof here in a later post. I will not chicken out again. Eat the path.

Edit 2024-05-02: There is another one on 2024-05-10. It really doesn’t look understandable at all, but maybe I will go just for the sake of going.

Edit 2024-05-28: I went lol. I guess I learned that higher weight means more perverse. Too lazy to include picture. Yeah.